How do we figure out what the wedding date should
be?
Do the best you can. It's a complicated dance at best,
between you and your families' schedules and the schedules of the wedding and
reception sites. If you have your heart set on a particular reception hall or
DJ, Start by asking when your "must haves" are available.
(The one no one asks:)
Should I try on my wedding
duds before the wedding day?
It seems too simple and straightforward. Of course you
should verify that your wedding duds will fit. If the men are renting their
tuxedos, they need to be accurately fitted. But all that measuring means
nothing if some spaced-out employee grabs the wrong pants off the shelf for
you. Try it all on when you pick up the tux. This involves time you may think
you don't have, but you may not want your coat sleeves to be of different
lengths, or your shirt to have no buttons or your pants too tight and split up
the back when you put them on.
The tuxedo rental outlet may not be within easy reach
on the day of the wedding. At a Sunday afternoon wedding, the groom found he
had no pants provided with his tuxedo. He called the rental place to find they
were closed on Sunday...
How To Conduct Your Wedding Rehearsal
It's not that hard. Except for the bride & groom,
most wedding attendants have to know how to walk and stand. You can use this
information to conduct a brief rehearsal with your wedding party, either at
the site of the ceremony or at another location. None of this is what you have
to do. You may want less formality. This information is simply to help keep
things straight and assist you with a rehearsal if you feel you need
one.
It is good, but not necessary, to do the rehearsal at
the wedding site. It may be more valuable if there are children in the wedding
party. Sometimes the requirements of the site do not make a rehearsal
feasible. A rehearsal can be done in someone's family room or living
room.
Start your rehearsal by calling the entire wedding
party together. Line them up in the order they will stand during the wedding
ceremony. If you are missing one or several members of the wedding party at
the rehearsal, don't be overly concerned. Be sure as you line people up that
you leave a space for each missing attendant. Ask those who are on either side
of the missing attendant to clue him or her in on the day of the wedding.
Those present will pay extra attention; those missing will get the word and
you won't have to worry about it.
Usually the attendants stand on either side of the Officiant,
facing the Bride and Groom. (If you were a guest, would you rather see faces
or a row of backs?) Bride and Groom stand in front of Officiant / Minister.
Ringbearers and/or Flower Girls stand in front of the adult attendants: if one
Flower Girl, she stands in front of Maid/Matron of Honor; if two, in front of
Maid of Honor and first Bridesmaid; etc. Ringbearer stands in front of Best
Man.
Rehearse The Recessional
First
Once everyone knows where they are to stand during the
ceremony, practice the Recessional. Bride & Groom leave first, followed by
any children in the wedding party (first flower girls, then ringbearers) then,
Maid/Matron of Honor & Best Man, followed by pairs of Bridesmaids and
Groomsmen. The "outside" pair would
leave last.
After the wedding party has "recessed," the immediate
families should follow them: Bride's parents first, then Groom's parents, then
Bride's grandparents, then Groom's grandparents.
Rehearsing The
Processional
After practicing the Recessional, regroup to practice
the Processional. By this time everyone knows where they are to stand, who
they stand next to, etc.
Before the Processional, immediate family members are
seated (usually parents and grandparents). If you are going to do formal
seating, those family members to be especially ushered in at the last minute
should remain in the "staging area" until everything and everyone is ready and
all the other guests have been settled or seated. Assign specific ushers to
escort specific family members. Introduce the usher/escorts to the family
members each will be seating, to be sure the ushers know who each of them will
be seating, and vice versa. The order of seating is usually
Groom's grandparents,
Bride's
grandparents;
Groom's parents;
Bride's
mother.
The Officiant / Minister can then "cue" the
Processional music by bringing in the Groom and his attendants. The Officiant
/ Minister will go in first. The men follow, in order, with the Groom either
first or last in the lineup. They go to their places and stand as you have
already rehearsed. Be sure the music people can see the men and Officiant /
Minister at the site of the ceremony.
When the men are in place, the Groom's attendants are
facing the Groom and the guests. The Groom should have his back to the
Officiant / Minister, watching the aisle where the Bridesmaid(s) and Bride
will enter. At this point the Processional music begins.
The Bride's party will need to be ready and listening
for their "cue" when the Officiant / Minister and the Groom and his party go
to their places. When the Bride's party hear the Processional music, they
should begin the Processional. The last (outside) Bridesmaid enters first,
followed by the other Bridesmaids, if any, at intervals of perhaps 20 feet;
then the Maid of Honor. The Bride's party should notice the placement of the
Groomsmen, and "mirror" them. Ringbearer(s) and Flower Girl(s) come in next,
and go to their places. Then the Bride comes in with her escort on her left.
The Bride should wait until the all other members of the wedding party are in
their places before even thinking about starting down the aisle. If you have
arranged with the musicians to play a different processional piece for the
Bride, wait for the music to change.
As the Bride approaches the front, the Groom may take
several steps toward her and her escort and offer her his arm. The Groom is on
the Bride's right. The two of you then approach the Officiant / Minister,
leaving the escort standing next to the row in which he will be seated;
usually on the Bride's side; front row.
If the escort is to answer some question posed by the
Officiant / Minister, he should remain standing until that question is asked,
answer the question and be seated. The usual options for his reply are "I do"
or "Her Mother and I do" or "On behalf of her family, I do."
If the escort is not to answer a question from the
Officiant / Minister, he should be seated as soon as the Bride and Groom are
standing before the Officiant / Minister.
Rehearsing The
Ceremony
During the ceremony, attendants stand there.
The rings should be either on the Ringbearer's pillow
or in the custody of the Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor. If carried by the
two "best people," the Best Man should carry the Bride's ring on his little
finger, and the Maid of Honor should carry the Groom's ring on her index
finger or thumb. Don't let the Best Man put the ring in any pocket. Don't have
either one of them carry the ring in a bag or box. Pockets, bags & boxes
increase the chances for dropping and/or losing the ring. Of every ten rings
misplaced or lost at wedding time, eight have been lost by the Maid of Honor.
She has a big ring you have asked her to put on her relatively small finger.
For Maid of Honor and Best Man, have them put the ring on a finger, and then
curl their fingers. Then the ring isn't going anywhere.
If rings are on the Ringbearer's pillow, the Best Man
will remove them and give them to the Officiant / Minister one at a time with
the Bride's ring first; or deliver both at the same time, at the option of the
Officiant / Minister.
The Bride and Groom face the Officiant / Minister for
the initial portion of the ceremony, then face each other and join both hands
for the vows and rings. If the Bride has not already given her flowers to her
Maid/Matron of Honor, do it now before joining hands.
You will have worked out with the Officiant / Minister
what you are to say during the wedding ceremony. Hopefully the Officiant /
Minister will review this with you before the wedding starts. At the point of
the Vows, you may simply respond to a question, or you may have decided to do
a "repeat-after-me" statement with prompts from the Officiant /
Minister.
For the exchange of rings, stop holding both hands, and
change to holding each other's left hand. Each will be asked to repeat after
the Officiant / Minister as they place the ring on their partner's hand. Rings
never fit!! Don't make too much of a struggle out of it. No one can see
whether the ring has cleared the last knuckle or not. Don't use oil or lotion,
either. By the time you have to deal with the rings, it will just make things
more difficult. As you face the Officiant / Minister again, you can wiggle the
ring on your own finger more easily than your partner could.
After the exchange of rings, Bride and Groom continue
to face the Officiant / Minister until the end of the ceremony. Then face each
other for the kiss. The Bride then gets her flowers back from her Maid/Matron
of Honor, and you both turn to face the guests. Before the Recessional music
starts, however, the Officiant / Minister may formally present to the two of
you to your guests if you have arranged for him or her to do this. Then the
recessional music begins and the couple heads back up the aisle. (See
earlier comments about Recessional....)
Ring Details:
If the Bride is wearing gloves, check to see if the
ring will fit reasonably over the glove. That's one option. Another easy one
is to remove your gloves after the processional and hand both gloves and
bouquet to your attendant. Some brides split the seam of the ring finger of
the left glove, so they can continue to wear both gloves and yet have the ring
finger exposed.
What to do with the engagement ring during the wedding:
There are three straightforward options. First, leave the engagement ring
where it is on your left finger. Have the Groom slip the wedding band on. As
soon as the ceremony is over, take both rings off and fit them together if
they form a set, and/or rearrange them so the wedding band is "closest to your
heart."
Another strategy is to wear the engagement ring for the
duration of the ceremony on your right hand. This may throw the Groom off and
cause him to try to put the wedding band on your right hand if he sees the
engagement ring there. [Stranger things have happened.]
A third strategy would be to give the engagement ring
to your Maid of Honor for safekeeping for the duration of the
ceremony.
If the engagement ring and the wedding band are an
interlocking set, do you plan to have them welded together by a jeweler to
minimize the wear on the two rings from rubbing together? If so, you might
consider having them welded prior to the wedding so the Groom can place the
completed set on your finger.
How Can We Seat the Guests to "Balance the House"?
One of you may have more invited guests or family than
the other. Tell your ushers where to seat Groom's and Bride's family on the
appropriate "sides" of the aisle. You may even make a map of which family
members are to be seated where, and see that your ushers have that
information. Tell family members at the rehearsal dinner to identify
themselves to the ushers when they ready to be seated for the wedding.
When seating guests, tell your ushers to comply with
any requests by guests who want to sit on "Bride's side" or "Groom's side."
Enough other guests will come in and be ready to be seated without designating
which side they prefer. Use these guests to even up the number of guests on
each side of the aisle.
I dream about tripping and falling on my face as I walk down the
aisle. Is this really a problem?
The trip down the aisle (no pun intended) is the most
nervous part of the wedding for the Bride. I have watched Brides make that
walk with varying degrees of composure or elán. Of the thousands I've watched,
none - not one - has ever tripped and fallen down. (I have watched the bride
break a heel; lose her slip as she came down the aisle; etc.)
But the Processional is the focus of a lot of anxiety
in the months preceding the wedding. Often, but not always, the Bride has an
escort to help her navigate down the aisle. The escort might be her father or
another male relative; or her father and her mother. The Bride might be
escorted down the aisle by both her dads: her natural father and her
stepfather, or accompanied halfway down the aisle by one dad and the rest of
the way by the other. I have seen the Bride and Groom process down the aisle
together.
In some cases, it is most appropriate in the minds of
the Bride and Groom for her to walk in without any escort. In one case - a
second marriage for the Bride -she was escorted by her four children,
answering enthusiastically "WE DO!" when the officiant asked "Who brings...?"
Most brides know how to walk. The problem comes in
trying to match your steps to the music selected as the Processional. My
suggestion: don't try to walk to the precise rhythm of the music. Walk slowly
and normally. (The emphasis is on SLOWLY. Nervousness will tend to speed you
up! Resist the temptation. Walk slowly and normally down the aisle.)
I have seen only a few Brides do the "hesitation step"
well. Most often it looks awkward and contrived. I almost always suggest you
not try it. If you do try it, pay attention to what it says it is: It's a
hesitation step. It doesn't look good when you do it fast. It also doesn't
look good when you take big steps between "hesitations." If you feel you must
do the "hesitation step," be prepared for a long processional, and do it
slowly, taking small steps.
Some of the best processionals I have seen were by
Brides who have been dancers. There is a specific "dancer's walk" - almost a
dance in itself - that is slow and intentional, with the body straight, tall
and balanced. It's wonderful.
Then there is the problem of walking in a big dress.
The dress shouldn't be dragging on the floor in the front as the Bride walks.
Practice walking in the dress; not just standing. If the aisle is carpeted,
practice walking on carpet to see if the front of the dress in fact will clear
the carpet and not drag. Stand up straight!
There may be a train to negotiate. Have someone spread
your train out behind you as you are about to start down the aisle. When you
arrive at your destination, you may want one of your bridesmaids to straighten
the train... without spending too much time fussing with it.
(One Bride's fantastic train, something like Princess
Di's, was over twenty-five feet long. There was a paid employee of the bridal
shop thrown in with the dress purchase, whose job on the day of the wedding
was simply and only to fuss with the train.)
One reason to have your escort on your left is so that
he won't have to step on or over your train in order to reach his seat on the
Bride's side of the aisle.
Your Groom will approach and offer you his arm on your
right side.
If you have steps to climb as part of your
processional, pay close attention to your dress and your hands. You have
several things to do and think about, but if you don't pick up your dress when
you climb stairs, you will be in trouble! In the swirling nervousness of the
moment, I have watched too many Brides forget to pick up their floor-length
dress and try to climb stairs at the front of the Chapel. It can't be done.
One tends to walk up the inside of one's dress... and this doesn't
work.
The problem is that you run out of hands. If you are
the Bride, you are carrying flowers in one hand and the Groom has just arrived
to offer you his arm. You take his arm. Unless you put the flowers in the same
hand that is linked to the Groom's arm, you won't be able to pick up your
dress.
Don't worry too much about doing this in high style.
You most often will have your back to the guests as you climb stairs. They
can't see in which hand you have flowers or just how you manage to grab the
dress [and accompanying slips, etc.] to pick it up. Going down stairs in a
long dress seems to be much easier than up.
Why not have an Aisle Runner?
The white aisle runner was first employed so the Bride
wouldn't get her dress muddy. In the days when roads were unpaved, wedding
guests would arrive and track in dirt or mud from the streets. It didn't seem
right for the Bride to drag the hem of her dress in the mud, so a clean white
runner was laid down for the Bride. These days most indoor locations don't
have problems with guests tracking dirt and mud into the room.
Unless you can secure it really well, don't consider
having an aisle runner. They don't stay where you put them. Your photographer
will be taking pictures from the back of the room and one of the most
prominent features will be the white aisle runner pulled and stretched this
way and that by the procession of Bride and bridesmaids.
Don't use either a cloth or plastic aisle runner
outside over grass unless it is backed by plywood or something solid. The
women's heels will go through the runner into the sod beneath. Secure it well.
Taping or tacking it at both ends will not keep it from being picked up by a
breeze.
I
Want Good Pictures of the Wedding ... What can I do?
My experience is that unless you plan wedding-day photo
shoots at different locations prior to your wedding, it is safe and sane to
allot two hours for pictures prior to the wedding ceremony for the formal
portraits. Allow an additional half hour to relax before the ceremony.
While uncommon in North Dakota, some believe it's bad
luck for the groom to see the Bride before the ceremony. It's your option whether the Bride and Groom take
pictures together prior to the wedding. Here's an interesting article on
the subject: To See or Not to See
Some photographers will argue that you will be less
nervous, or more considerate of your guests if you take pictures together
beforehand. Plus, those tears of joy during the wedding can have an adverse
affect on makeup. We do charge an extra $100 for post-ceremony formals because it is more stressful
(well-meaning wedding guests tend to get in the way and everyone is more
distracted after the ceremony).
Take a minute at the rehearsal dinner, when wedding
party and relatives likely to be in pictures are present, to outline what
their "photo opportunities" will be. If certain family members will be in
pictures (e.g. parents, grandparents and siblings of the Bride) tell
them where to be and when.
Likewise for any family members who are to be in
pictures following the ceremony. Tell them to exit with the guests and then
report immediately for pictures.
Plan with your photographer which pictures you want
taken before, during and after the wedding and who should be in them. We
always use a written list checked by the photo assistant so none are
forgotten. Include everyone, even the obvious. I remember a disappointed
bride who missed taking a portrait with her one and only daughter because she
thought it too obvious to write down. In the excitement of the moment,
they both forgot.
Also, be mindful of spouses and significant others so
they don't feel left out. I'm always happy to photograph a family group both
with and without spouses. Remember, today's boyfriend or
girlfriend may become in-laws.
The most time is wasted looking
for wandering friends and relatives who you hoped would be in the picture you
are now setting up. Your photographer should be concentrating on your pictures
rather than organizing the next group. Put a family member or friend who
knows the family in charge of getting the right people in the right place at
the right time.
Children become bored quickly with picture
taking. After all, it's the bride and not the children
who are the center of attention. I try to take any photographs involving
the children as soon as they are ready. If mom is in the bridal party,
have a designated babysitter playing with kids and keeping them dirt free
while the adults are busy.
Most professional photographers will not allow guests
to take pictures while they are working. A good photographer is mindful
that you are paying for good portraits. Amateur photographers have
ruined portraits by triggering and discharging the strobes, throwing off the
exposure meter, blinding the photographer, causing the wedding party to blink
and distracting eyes that should be looking at the photographer.
Photographers also understand how important pictures
are to friends and family in documenting this wonderful day. My
policy is to allow time for guests to take photographs of the wedding party
before I start and after the formals are finished.
Talk with your photographer about the balance between
recording the event and controlling it. The wedding ceremony is not a photo session
with music. It's a landmark celebration for you and your families and friends.
The photography and videography shouldn't distract your guests from what you
have invited them to witness.
Some churches will not allow flash photography during
the ceremony. The trade-off I usually suggest is that before or after the
ceremony the couple and their wedding party do an "instant
replay" for the sake of pictures. We don't redo all the ceremony, but
we can stage the important "action shots": the unity candle, the rings, the
couple facing each other; the kiss, etc. It seems to work.
Kneeling Tips
If you are to kneel during the wedding, there's a
choreography to it. As you go from standing to kneeling, the Bride should
precede the Groom by just a fraction of a second. Groom: hold your Bride's
hand and steady her as she kneels. Getting up is trickier. The Groom should
rise just a fraction of a second before the Bride and again offer his hand to
help her stand up. It can be tricky in a long dress.
Groom: if you're going to kneel during the wedding
ceremony, don't let any of your Groomsmen get at your shoes! Two reasons:
First, they may write "HE" on your left sole and "LP" on your right. It's good
for a laugh during the ceremony, but it's an old joke. Second, if those madcap
Groomsmen write on the soles of your shoes, it may rub off and damage carpets
or floors you walk on unawares. You may be liable for the cleaning
bill.
Taking Care of Young Children in the Wedding Party
If the young people are five or older, you can probably
relax. They will be able to do what you ask them to do and will probably
listen better at the rehearsal than the adults in the wedding
party.
For children under five, you need to make some judgments,
based on the temperament of the child and the stress of the
situation. If you are not sure your little ring bearer will actually be there
when the officiate needs the rings, give the real rings to the Best Man and
Maid of Honor and put two dime-store rings on the pillow. If the Ring Bearer
"bails out" at the last minute, you will still have the rings when you need
them in the ceremony.
You may want to arrange for several "rescue points" for
children under five who either may not make it down the aisle at the beginning
of the wedding or who may not be able to stand with the wedding party for the
duration of the ceremony. The first "rescue point" is to have an adult known to the
children but not in the wedding
present with the Bride's party just prior to the processional. If "nerves"
suddenly strike, that adult will be there to take the child to sit with other
relatives and watch the wedding. Young children's successful performance at
the rehearsal often has little to do with how they will perform with all the
guests watching!
Another "rescue point" can be arranged for young people
in the wedding party who you think will be able to do the processional, but
may not be able to stand or stand still during the
wedding ceremony. Arrange for a relative of the youngster to be sitting on the
center aisle toward the front. The child processes in and then is invited by
Grandma, or whoever, to sit with them and watch the wedding. The children can
be reinserted into the wedding party as the recessional passes by on the way
out.
A third "rescue" for children under five is to
designate a member of the wedding party (a Bridesmaid for a Flower Girl; a
Groomsman for a Ring Bearer) who is given specific permission and
responsibility to decide when and if the young person should be offered a hand
and walked to a waiting relative among your guests. Bribes of lifesavers or
quarters work sometimes; hissing and threats never work.
The wedding was underway and
everyone had successfully arrived at the front of the Chapel. There were
four or five bridesmaids and ushers. Two or three minutes into the ceremony,
the three-year-old flower girl started squirming. As time went on, the
squirming increased, and in distress the flowergirl finally turned to the
Maid of Honor and said "I have to go potty."
The Maid of Honor didn't really know how
to solve the flowergirl's problem at that moment, and told her to be quiet.
The squirming escalated and there were more announcements of a similar
nature. The bridesmaids stood like statues.
Then the flower girl began to cry. No one
was taking her seriously. She really had to go! Everyone was frozen in
place.
Finally, the organist, having watched the
squirming and heard the comments, took the situation and the little girl in
hand and walked her off the altar area and into the choir room where there
was a bathroom. The flower girl (much relieved) and the organist were back
in their places before the wedding was over. A large percentage of the
guests were not even aware that the flower girl had left the scene
temporarily.
The lesson: always have a designated member of the
wedding party authorized and encouraged to deal with the needs of three- or
four-year olds during the wedding!
The responsible adult should not be your Maid of Honor
or Best Man. He or she may have other responsibilities during the wedding
ceremony that would prevent them from taking care of a youngster. If the young
person was walked off the altar to sit with a relative, he or she can be
reinserted into the passing Recessional if they choose.
Keeping the Rings on the Ringbearer's Pillow
Most ring pillows are equipped with ribbons to be used
to tie the rings on. IOften the ribbons are a disaster. They are
either tied too tight or not tightly enough.
Tie the ribbons on the pillow in
a nice bow and forget about them. Secure the rings to the pillow using long
corsage pins. Use the long pin to catch some of the fabric of the pillow
cover, then put the pin through the ring and back into the pillow fabric. The
ring is now secure but easily removed. This is good insurance!
Give the pillow with the rings attached to the
ringbearer sixty seconds before he heads down the aisle in the processional;
not half an hour.
What about Readers?
Having a friend or relative read a poem or other
selection during the ceremony is a way to include someone important who isn't
in your wedding party. It helps to know they can, in fact, speak reasonably
well in public settings.
It's a rule (or should be) of public speaking that one
should never attempt to read what one doesn't first understand. Don't have a
friend read a dense and complex poem if he or she can't take the time and
energy to "take the poem apart" and understand it first! Have your friend read
the selection for you, so you can check for mispronounced words, etc. It will
pay off for you on the wedding day when the reading is an integral and
meaningful part of the wedding!
Check on microphones, etc. for them so they can be
heard when they speak during the wedding. (The Wedding
Ceremony Resources page by Sugerbaker
Productions has lots
of good readings.)
What About Solos?
If you plan one solo during the wedding, the best
"window" for it would be after the Vows and before the Rings Exchange. If you
plan two solos, put one after the moms are seated but before the processional,
and the other between Vows and Rings. Arrange with your soloist and whoever
will accompany your soloist to rehearse their music at a time other than your
wedding rehearsal! The soloist's attendance at your wedding rehearsal might
still be a good idea, but only to get an idea of the physical space in which
they will be singing... not to rehearse their music during your
rehearsal.
Some couples plan a solo while they light the Unity
candle [see below.] If there are more solos desired, these might best be
placed before the wedding, during the Prelude time, before the seating of the
immediate families, or as background for the seating of the immediate
families. Some couples plan a vocal solo as their Processional music.
If you plan for more than two solos during the actual
wedding ceremony, the event might take on more of the flavor of a musical
recital, rather than a recital of your wedding vows. Don't ask a soloist to
sing during your Recessional. It's hard on
the soloist to be singing to an emptying house.
Can We Use Taped Music?
Live music is better, but taped music or CDs work fine
if you plan well, and if the wedding location allows it. Record the music
"flat;" that is, with no extra bass or treble added. You will need someone
with good instructions to push the buttons. ALWAYS check recorded music at the
wedding site beforehand to adjust volume.
If you want taped music as prelude music, record twice
as much as you think you will ever need for the prelude. The same tape can be
used immediately following the wedding as mingling or background music, if you
wish.
If you incorporate taped music in your wedding as
Bridesmaid's and/or Bride's processional, solo or accompaniment for soloists,
or recessional, put each selection on a separate cassette tape, clearly labeled
as to which is the correct side. The person running the tape player
should be asked not to simply stop any tape in mid-song. If the Bridesmaids
have all arrived and it's time to switch to the Bride's distinctive
processional music, the first tape should be slowly "faded out," the machine
shut off, and the new tape put in and started.
"Unity Candle" - How Do We Do It?
Two lit candles are at the front on a table or altar.
These may have been lit by the mothers of the Bride and Groom at the beginning
of the ceremony, or you may arrange simply to have them lit and burning as
other candles are lit prior to the ceremony. After the vows, or after being
pronounced husband and wife, the two of you approach and each take up one of
the lit candles. Together the you light the central, unlit candle.
By the way, always place a spare lighter near the
candle in case the first lighter fails to work..
There aren't necessarily words attached to lighting the
unity candle. This is something you do, not something someone says. The unity
candle may be something to do during a solo; particularly an instrumental
solo. Be aware that lighting the candle takes 30 seconds; the average solo
takes 3-4 minutes. So don't start moving when the solo begins. Wait 60 seconds
or so.
When you pick up the lit candle to use it to light the
central candle together, be aware that the candle has been burning for 20-30
minutes and there will be a pool of hot wax around the burning wick. As you
tip the candle, this hot wax will go somewhere; hopefully not on you. Pick up
the candle and whatever stand it is in. It's easier to do that than to try to
remove the candle from its stand.... If the three candles involved are in fact
in three separate stands. Sometimes there's a unity candle holder that
incorporates all three candles in one stand.
Also agree ahead of time about which of the two of you
will really light the wick of the unity candle, and which of you will pretend
to light it.
Pay attention to the choreography of lighting the
candle. The two of you will have to approach the altar or table on which the
three candles sit. The officiate may have to step out of the way for you to do
this. After you light the unity candle, will you be returning to your original
spot? The logistics of the Bride's dress also may need to be thought through.
Do you need the Maid of Honor's help with the train at that point?
Lighting a unity candle is a symbolic act, so be
careful what the symbolism is. Don't blow out your individual candles. Neither
one of you has been extinguished by the beginning of your married life
together. Something has been added, but your individuality isn't
lost!
Ways to Include Minor Children of the Bride or Groom
Some couples present a medallion or gift in recognition
of the children they bring with them into the marriage [See Ceremony Resources
packet]. One couple, each in their second marriage and bringing children to
their marriage, called their four children (three his; one hers) to the altar
and presented each with a beautiful, engraved keychain and a key to their new
home. The engraving included the name of the child and on the other side: "The
Door is Always Open." It was a beautiful and welcoming gesture to their
children, who may have had some mixed emotions at seeing their parent marrying
again.
Other ways to incorporate your children include
nominating them to be flower girls, ring bearers, junior Bridesmaids or
ushers; or if eight years old or older, having them be your Best Man or Maid
of Honor.
Other roles for the children of the Bride or Groom
might be to Escort the Bride, especially if it's the Bride's children; tend
the guest book; distribute favors and/or the rice before the Bride & Groom
leave the reception.
Can we have more than one Best Man and/or Maid of Honor?
It can work to divide the role of Best Man and/or
Maid/Matron of Honor between two special people. If you can't narrow the Best
Man's or the Maid/Matron of Honor's role to just two, consider having no chief
attendant; just equal and undifferentiated attendants.
Divide the functions of Best Man and/or Maid/Matron of
Honor between the two so each feels equally involved: roles for Best Man
include signing the marriage license and holding ring the Groom is to give to
the Bride. Give one facet of the job to each. (The attendant closest to the Officiate
/ Minister should be the one with the ring.)
For the two Maids/Matrons of Honor, you have three
facets to divide between them: signing the license; holding your bouquet and
carrying the ring you are to give to the Groom.
Dealing with Divorced Parents
You want your now-divorced parents to be there, but
they get along like oil and water. What do you do?
Your parents are still your parents, whether they're
married to each other at this point or not. Try to be as adult as you can be
with your divorced parents, and ask them, for the sake of your wedding, to be
adult about their ex, etc., at least for the duration of the ceremony. They
don't have to encounter each other at the reception if they don't want to, but
they will have to sit in adjacent rows at the wedding. Mom is seated in the
front row with her "significant other," or present spouse, if there is one.
Dad sits in the next row back, behind mom, with his "significant other" or
spouse.
One further accommodation that is sometimes made is to
suggest that your Mom's and/or Dad's "significant other" attend as a guest,
but not be escorted to his or her place as other immediate family members will
be. They either sit with other guests or are seated by an usher in the family
seats during the general seating of guests. When the parent to whom they are
connected is ushered in, the "significant other" is already there in his or
her seat. Sometimes this works.
The order of seating the families if parents are
divorced and sitting in separate rows:
Paternal Grandparents of Groom (in same row
Groom's Dad will sit in);
Maternal Grandparents of Groom (in same row
Groom's Mom will sit in);
Paternal Grandparents of Bride (in same row
Bride's Dad will sit in);
Maternal Grandparents of Bride (in same row
Bride's Mom will sit in);
Father of Groom (in second row on Groom's
side);
Mother of Groom (in first row on Groom's side);
Mother of Bride
(in first row on Bride's side).
This presumes the Bride's father is escorting her down
the aisle. When the Bride's father is seated he will sit in the second row on
the Bride's side. If any of your grandparents are divorced, you're on your
own.....!
The receiving line - when and where?
There is growing discomfort with receiving lines. If
you don't do a receiving line, however, it's up to you to be sure you greet
and talk to each and every wedding guest. That can be tricky in the swirl of
reception activities. If Aunt Gladys came all the way from Winnamucca and you
miss thanking her for coming to your wedding, there may be hell to
pay!
I recommend you have a receiving line in order to offer
every one of your guests at least one occasion to speak with you on the
wedding day. Some of your good friends who saw you yesterday and will see you
tomorrow may not find it necessary to do the receiving line. That just makes
it shorter. But everyone had equal opportunity to meet and greet
you!
Not every wedding attendant and family member needs to
be in the receiving line. That will cut down the time spent in the receiving
line by both you and your guests. The guests want to greet and congratulate
the two of you! That's the main attraction. Check with families and at least
Maid of Honor and Best Man. Parents in the receiving line are helpful for
introducing distant family members and family friends.
Get your post-wedding "instant replay" and "line-up"
pictures taken immediately after the wedding and let your guests precede you
to the reception area. Let them go in and settle down a little. Don't make the
receiving line the price of admission to the reception! It isn't fair to your
guests to make everyone wait outside until you finish pictures.
When you join the guests at the reception there may be
a set of formal introductions and entrances. Then go to a place in the
reception area where nothing else is going on and form your receiving line
there. Don't make the receiving line the price of admission to the food! Cue a
few of your friends to be watching for you to set up the receiving line and
ask them to get the line going. Once guests see the receiving line in
progress, they will join it when the line is acceptably short, or when they
finish talking to Uncle Henry, or after they snag another shrimp. It's up to
them. If they choose not to participate in the receiving line at all, it's
their choice. You haven't slighted them.
Dealing with late guests
Don't get too rigid about starting on the minute if
guests are still filtering in from the parking lot, or you know Aunt Mary has
left the hotel and will be here in five more minutes.
On the other hand, you owe it to the guests who had the
courtesy and foresight to get there at or before the time you told them the
wedding would start, to begin reasonably close to the announced time. If it's
getting late, and the starting time has come and gone, don't fall into the
trap of waiting for people who said they would be there and aren't. You may be
waiting for people who aren't coming. If it's already past the announced
starting time, late guests may give up trying to get to the ceremony and catch
up with you at the reception.
What about really late guests (the ones who arrive at
the church after everyone has left for the reception elsewhere)? Tell the
church or wedding site where your reception is to be, so that a late arriving
guest will be able to catch up with the festivities.
